“God, the best maker of all marriages, Combine your hearts into one.”
William Shakespeare, Henry V

“The first year of marriage should be the best and shouldn’t have conflict,” said the husband in their first and last marriage counseling appointment. These middle-aged newlyweds were experiencing significant difficulty in adjusting to life together and had frequent fights…she would talk, and he would isolate. There was real hope for their situation except for one thing; he believed the fallacy that a good marriage was nearly free of challenges and refused to fight for his marriage when the challenge came.

The knowledge and attitude that we bring to marriage affect our conduct when conflict surfaces. Some spouses choose not to engage at all or fight thoughtlessly. Others fight only for their own rights. This can be due to fear, battle fatigue, ignorance or selfishness. The Bible’s teaching helps us engage in the fight without making our spouse or marriage itself the enemy. It also offers significant insight and guidance to improving our motivations and responses when we need it most. The result is that we serve our spouse and reach the goal of a deeper union in our marriage.

So, buckle up and grab the keys to fighting for your marriage.

Key #1 – Get Perspective

1. Recognize that Spouses Complement Each Other

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18 (NIV)

People often think of having the right marriage partner in terms of compatibility. The goal is to exist in nearly perfect harmony. The Genesis account in the Bible suggests that a good match is more about being a suitable helper, a person who is not just like you but is complementary to you. The closeness of marriage allows the spouse (your helper) to see into your life like no one else.

When marriage conflicts arise, it’s common to interpret the discomfort as a sign that you have the wrong spouse or that your perspective is the only right one. Take a few moments to consider that your present disagreement may be a growth opportunity for both of you.

2. Remind Yourself that It’s Not Just about You

“Submit to One Another out of Reverence for Christ.” Ephesians 5:21

Often in conflict, we are more concerned about our rights than we are about our spouse or doing what is best for our marriage. The example of Jesus is helpful here because even though He didn’t have to, He put our needs first and was willing sacrifice heavily to serve us. We show reverence for Jesus when we serve our spouse as He has served us. This perspective can us help navigate toward the best possible outcome as we fight for our marriage.

Key #2 – Stay

“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24 ESV

Part of fighting for your marriage is sticking around when conflict comes. Genesis teaches us that marriage is about staying close and growing close. Although this has much to do with choosing to remain in the marriage, it begins with staying at certain critical moments. This is truly a “must be present to win principle.” There are situations in which “a cooling off period” is a good thing. Some couples choose to discuss their struggle a little later, at a better time and place. That being said, the purpose should be to improve the relationship, not just create distance or avoid the problem.

“two-thirds of…unhappy marriages will become happy within five years if people stay married.” This lead the University of Chicago sociologist Linda J. Waite to say, “the benefits of divorce have been oversold.”

(Some spouses are in circumstances with physical violence, abuse or other dangers. In these situations, safety is the initial goal and so separation with counseling is often necessary.)

Key #3 – Communicate Only What is Helpful

“Don’t let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.” Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

This is a tall order but one worth pursuing. Fighting for your marriage includes thinking through how and what we communicate to our spouse. For starters, we need to make a complete commitment to pursuing unity and kindness in our conversation. This means that a demeaning tone of voice, harsh words, untruths, cursing, name-calling, manipulation, intimidation, unforgiveness and physical threats, among other things, need to be abandoned. The conversation must be oriented to the goal of oneness and reconciliation.

Key #4 – Let Go of the Small Things

“Sensible (wise) people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.” Proverbs 19:11 (NLT)

Sometimes a lot of progress can be lost due to a very small transgression if it becomes the focus. It is wise to reconsider pouncing on a small offense. Context means a lot. Perhaps your wife comes home from a hard day at work and is a little irritable at first. You may be technically justified in addressing it, but it’s not likely to be a win for either of you. If you choose to hold your tongue, you are showing that you are considering her circumstances and not just keeping a record of offenses. You would be much better off asking her about her day and helping to make her evening more enjoyable.

Key #5 – Bridge the Distance No Matter Who’s at Fault

“If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him.” Matthew 18:15 (MSG)

A common response to being offended by our spouse is to wait for them to come to you and make it right. You may have to wait a long time. If it is accurate that your spouse is 100% at fault (a rarity), he or she is probably not thinking clearly, may have poor motivations, be angry or frustrated. This is not the mindset that would help them critique their behavior or motivate them to pursue reconciliation. It may be up to you…the one who is offended, to make the first move. Fighting for your marriage may mean humbling yourself to bring up the offense in a way that most likely brings a resolution. Begin by acknowledging how you contributed to the problem and make that right. Then, be assertive, respectful and kind in addressing the offense with the goal of strengthening your marriage.

Key #6 – Solve What You Can, Not Involving Others

“work it out between the two of you.” Matthew 18:15 (MSG)

Fighting for your marriage means avoiding the collateral damage that comes from involving others unnecessarily. If you take your conflict to friends, family or (God forbid) social media before doing your best to patiently resolve it at home, you will simply make the problem more complex. Jesus plan for conflict resolution draws a circle of protection around the offender and the offended. It acknowledges that people make mistakes and creates a safe environment for working it out. The very essence of marriage shines a light on hidden areas of our lives, creating opportunities for personal growth. Fight to protect this space of healthy confidentiality and conflict resolution. It will bring honor to you, your spouse and your marriage.

Key #7 – Seek Help When Needed

“If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again.” Matthew 18:16-17 (MSG)

Marriage exists in community. Even though a couple should first seek to resolve a conflict or situation on their own, they may need help. The next step in fighting for your marriage may be to meet with another married couple, pastor or counselor. The real benefit comes when both spouses are present. Being patient with this process is important because it can take time to work through things that have developed over the years. Meeting with a couple or counselor doesn’t mean you have a bad marriage, but it can bring a new perspective, hold spouses accountable and give helpful guidance.

“Marriage is glorious but hard. It’s a burning joy and strength.”
(The Meaning of Marriage – Dr. Tim Keller p 13).